One year ago today my life was changed. Can't say it was for the good. They told me I would feel like a brand new person...they lied. I just feel old and tired and frustrated.
I no longer have a job, or the ability to do the job I was doing before my diagnosis. I am tired. Always tired. I have no stamina, and no motivation.
I was walking a mile a day after my surgery. Took a while to build up to it, had leg pain and foot pain, then it got hot out and I couldn't walk any more. I had two exercise machines, but can't use them because they make my knees hurt. So I basically haven't had much in the way of exercise since last summer.
I also had a resurgence of my Type 2 Diabetes. I had it under control with my diet, but with the numerous prescription meds I had to take and am still taking, it really messed with my blood sugar. When I went to the doctor in November, my blood sugar was almost 600. I was really sick - again. Back on metformin three times per day, and my fasting glucose is finally down around 116 to 128 pretty much every day. Can't seem to get it below 100 tho, no matter what I eat or don't eat. My diet is very restricted. Was told to go keto, tried it for a couple of months, but continued to gain weight. I had/have gained 45 pounds since surgery. I don't eat much. I don't snack, eat very few carbs, no salt, no sugar, no flavor. Feeding myself has become a real chore with limited choices. Every. Single. Day.
I have been surviving on charity, EBT, and what savings I had. The savings is gone, and the charity is pretty much gone too since it has been a year. I still have zero income and am stressing about how I am going to survive if disability doesn't come through. I sold a bunch of stuff last weekend, my scooter, a couple of small kitchen appliances, a patio set, so I can pay some bills for another month. I sell my handcrafts when I can, and barter when I can, but one cannot survive without money. I don't qualify for cash assistance since I don't have any children. Both of my doctors say I shouldn't work, and I agree.
Depression, memory loss, mood swings, all side effects of the massive trauma a body goes through with open heart surgery, not including the physical aspects of being cut open, ribs spread and hands being inside a body. It is a slow recovery both emotonal and physical. I shudder when I think about what they did to me.
I have some memory of my time in the hospital and shortly after I came home, but it is in bits and pieces. Pretty much one big blur with a few highlights here and there. My short term memory is still suffering.
Due to the fact that I have zero income and my savings is gone with no income in sight, my friend Maureen set up a go fund me over a week ago. It has had zero activity. Not sure if people just don't care or if it hasn't been shared enough. But I have to say that I am hurt. I hate asking for money or help of any kind, but to me, the lack of interest or any donations, says that no one cares.
I'm already alone, I lost Jake ten years ago. I adapted. I miss him each and every day and know that my life would be a lot different than it is now if he were here with me, and he would have been here to help me through all of this. But he isn't. I am alone, and it looks like it will stay that way.
I have nothing to look forward to and a very uncertain future. It is so discouraging. I struggle to make it through a whole day. I see things I want to do, hikes to make, but I can't even walk around the block without pain and panting. My legs get very heavy and ache, plus the foot pain from tendon issues and arthritis.
Loneliness is a real issue too. I go days without talking to or seeing another human. I have friends and know lots of people here, but just like in VT, no bestie to hang out with and do stuff. There is no love in my life and hasn't been for a very long time.
If anyone really cares and wants to help, the link is below. Any little bit would help and let me know that people actually do care.
