Unhappy Birthday

I worked, I had a frozen dinner and I went to bed early just to get the day over with. I don’t know why I keep getting my hopes up. Birthdays should be banned. I did get some online birthday wishes, several from my neighbors, but there was no attempt at anything to make it special. Which is strange because they always do something for birthdays around here. Whatever, I give up. I’m done trying. I thought I was fitting in here pretty well, but I guess I was wrong. Same old shit that I have been dealing with all my life. I guess it has to be something I am doing or not doing. I don't seem to make the connections with other people, or the ones that count. I don't have a clue.

I’m really not in the best frame of mind right now. Pretty unhappy. I just need to be patient, it will pass. Eventually. A lot of it is the whole widow/holidays thing. I’m lonely, unhappy with my job, and it has been cold. None of this is what I signed up for. Since I need the job, I have to deal with it. But it eats up all the days that I work as I have no energy left for anything else, and the rest of the week is playing catch up. I don’t get to take any classes, do any yard sailing, or any of the fun things that go on here. Can’t even go to the farmers market. Add to that that I have no one to play with, it makes for a pretty dissatisfying life. Not why I came here. 

I am having a really difficult time getting into the whole holiday thing. I could care less about sending out gifts and still haven't gotten any ornaments on the tree. I don't really seem to care. It feels more like it is expected instead of something I have fun doing.

On the plus side, I made it thru another birthday. I don't have to shovel snow, and I have a roof over my head, a car to drive, and a job to put food on the table. I guess I can't ask for more than that.