It's been a rough year

Wow, almost a year since I have posted. From the date, it looks as if that is when I started feeling bad. Low energy, tired all the time, cranky, you get the picture. I dragged myself to work every day whether I wanted to go or not. Had no interest in holiday decorating, crafting, just getting by. Barely made it to the Thanksgiving and Christmas pot lucks. My birthday passed with no fanfare. Once again I was disappointed with my birthday. You would think I would be used to it by now. I thought I was burned out at work. We had yet another new manager and just more of the same high expectations and not enough hours to bring in the people to get it all done.

Can't remember if it was December or January where I couldn't breath. Panting pretty much all the time. I did a zpack and went to my primary care PA, and finally started feeling a little better. In February I got tired of feeling like crap even tho I had improved, still wasn't great, and after a couple of really scary events, went to the ER. I was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure and was referred to a cardiologist. Waited weeks for that appointment and was put on "light duty" at work. Their version of light duty was to put me on nights. I waited more weeks for the tests. I did an echo, a stress test, a TEE, and then an angiogram on March 11. I had blockages, widow maker, and a hole in my heart. I was literally not allowed to leave the hospital and flown from Havasu to Phoenix in a small plane and had open heart surgery.

I have been out of work since. No income, no financial help other than EBT and AHCCCS (health insurance). Tried to get unemployment, but I don't qualify, was denied SSDI, and am presently trying to get SSD. So I am now living on air and EBT. Thankfully I had a bit of savings, but that won't last long.

Through all of this, my emotions have pretty much stayed on an even keel. I haven't freaked out, no crying jags, no panic attacks. No huge emotional moments, no tears. The only time I shed any tears was when my brother Mike flew from Wisconsin to Phoenix to be there when I had my surgery. The rest of the time, I take things as they come. That in itself confuses me. You would think I would have some sort of emotional crisis somewhere in there.

I'm on four different meds now and see my cardiologist regularly. I am still not back to work, and hope that I don't have to go back. I can survive a bit longer without the paycheck, but am hoping the SSD is approved. I don't want to go back to DG. Too physical, too much stress, freaky hours and a schedule that changes every day. There is now yet another new manager and district manager, they have promoted two more people to assistant manager so the whole hierarchy has changed. It won't be the same job. I don't want the stress, it isn't worth the paltry pay. Their expectations are too high, the job is physically too much for a 60 year old woman. I have other health issues too as I am getting old.

My EF has gone from 35% to 50%. Had another echo on Friday, but don't get the results until a week from Tuesday. The tech said it wasn't any worse, so that is a good thing. I have developed premature ventricular contractions and a couple of them showed on the echo, finally. Will see what he has to say about that.

Right now I am taking each day as it comes. Some days I have no energy and most days I have no motivation. There are a lot of side effects of being on a bypass machine, invasive surgery and meds. I am pretty much physically healed from the surgery, have a huge scar and a bunch of smaller ones, still tender, still weak as I lost a lot of muscle by being down for so long. And still tired. The told me I would feel like a brand new person, I am still waiting for that. I was off the opioids by the time I went home and have taken virtually no pain killers since my second day home. So my recovery was better than most. I just can't seem to do better tho.