I'm feeling short tempered and irritable this morning. Had a rough night. Ate too much and am paying for it.
I'm bored. Nothing to do and no one to do it with. The story of my life. Thought I had left that behind, but I guess not. I don't ever remember feeling this way when I had Jake in my life, but I do remember many times before and after.
Most of the time I am successful in keeping myself busy. But I am getting tired of reading all the time and not seeing any other humans. It has been days and days since I have seen anyone else other than a quick hello while out walking at 5 AM. The rest of the time I have puttered and read.
Add to that my limited and expensive internet. I can't spend a lot of time online or watch anything, being stuck indoors due to the fact that it is summer in the Sonoran Desert, the place is deserted, and nothing going on anywhere around here and the lack of friends. And zero income, so I can't do anything that will cost money.
I'm basically feeling dissatisfied and cranky. At least my Kindle books are free. I spend most of my time reading because I just can't seem to get myself motivated to create anything. Jewelry, painting, whatever.
I'm envious of the couples that got to spend 30 or more years together - that are getting to grow old together. Jake and I had a good thing and were just gearing up to start another phase in our lives when he died. We only had ten years, we were just getting started. It makes me wonder what I did to deserve being alone most of my life. I am not a bad person and Jake and I had a great relationship. He was my best friend and I was his.
I am grateful for what I have, no question there. But I miss Jake and the life we had together. I miss my best friend.