Thursday, April 16, 2015

As good as can be expected

I got out and walked yesterday. It wasn’t a full mile, but I hadn’t walked in a couple of weeks, so I didn’t push it. Took a few blossom photos. There is a tree here called an orchid tree, it has hundreds of little orchids on it and is absolutely beautiful. I may look into getting one, but am not sure where I would put it. I don’t have lots of space, and it grows quite large. It would make a nice tribute to Kali Cat. 

After I walked, I got in the car and went and did a few errands. I needed to go to the post office, so I decided to stop and get the bits I need to split the water line from the bird bath to go to the fountain, and maybe to my veggie pots if I decide to take off. They will need to be watered. I had three packages at the post office, the shade cloth for the end of the patio, the vent visors for the car and the new pop up sun shades for the car. From there, I forced myself to go to Dollar General where I bought most of KC’s supplies. Litter, pee pads, the cheap food she would eat and her tuna. I didn’t want to go, but I needed a few things and would have to go at some point anyway. I forced myself to walk the pet aisle just to get that over and done with. It wasn’t easy. Most trips to DG were for something for her. I did hit Salvation Army on the way back, but didn’t buy anything. I wasn’t really in the shopping mood, but I’m looking for a cheap stereo receiver because the house is way too quiet.

I can’t stream music from the internet because I have limited access, and Kali Cat isn’t there to hold a conversation with any more. And the house is just too damned quiet. The only living thing indoors is me. No plants, no cat, nothing. At one point I just had to call for her. I felt like I needed to do that, so I did. I guess I am trying to work it out in my head that she isn’t there. I even looked under the bed for her. Just something I had to do. I’m still crying, I knew I would. She was such a huge part of my life, my responsibility and my companion. But at least it isn't’ constant like it was Monday and Tuesday and I am starting to think about other things. 

We used to have conversations. Kali Cat loved to be talked to. Sometimes it would be in human and sometimes in cat. She would just sit there looking at me and listen to whatever I was saying and would respond with a chirp. She was such a wonderful companion. I did the best I could for her. I am so conditioned now to not leave the house for more than an hour or so because she needed me, that it is going to take a conscious effort on my part to actually go somewhere and do something. I’m thinking a day trip to Yuma might be a good place to start. Some day next week. I have people there.

I finally spent a little time indoors dealing with the several bunches of beets and greens that I got last week. I had already cooked the greens, but still had to cook the beets. Got the greens divided and into the freezer, cooked, cleaned, sliced and packaged and froze the beets. Made a lettuce salad in a large bowl for easy salad making, and cleaned out a few things and the bunnies got a treat. Then I installed the vent visors on the car. The car really needs a bath. It is covered with pollen, dust and bird poo. It is back in it’s regular parking spot. There aren’t a lot of people left to walk by. 

Glenn stopped by when I was getting back from town to see how I was. I broke down of course. He was very good about it. He said something that I hadn’t thought about, and it actually helped for a little while. He said she was being eaten alive, and that she is in a better place. I hadn’t thought about it like that, and he is right.  He brought me some cactus paddles for me to plant in the yard. Some that bloom orange and one that blooms pink. This time next year I should have blooms in the yard. I also have seed pods from the Argentine Giant Cactus that was blooming next door. I want to get those started, but need to research them first. 

I think I may have offended Vicki. She hasn’t stopped by since Kali Cat has gone. She offered to go with me, but it was something I had to do on my own. She wanted to come down Tuesday and talk, and I just wasn’t ready to talk, and she hasn’t stopped by since. She was stopping by on a daily basis. She is recovering from an injury she got from a folding chair Monday, but I have seen her out and about.  We have chatted via messenger and she invited me to ride along with her and Doreen today to Havasu. I haven’t been to Havasu yet, but it is Doreen’s trip, she has an eye appointment, and she and I haven’t really hit it off. And I don’t think I am quite ready for something like that anyway, so I won’t’ be going. I need to do things in my own time and deal with it my way. 

I did clean out the cat supply cupboard and moved the bathroom supplies down. That will give me another whole shelf for pantry, canned goods, etc. I still have a lot of organizing to be done with the cupboards. But I figure that will give me something to do when it is too hot to be outdoors. I’m still having a hard time going into the empty house. I may have to start running the TV when I am indoors. There is one classical music channel which is better than nothing. I used to listen to music all the time, but not so much the last few years. Even in the car. I never played the radio while driving Ody either. Partly to keep an ear out for KC, partly because it would eventually annoy me.

The silverware drawer is a nightmare. I need to spend a few minutes with that and get it somewhat organized. I picked up a second tray at Salvation Army a while back, but I would only think of it when I was looking for something in the drawer. Out of sight, out of mind kind of thing. It is now on my list of things to do. But not high in the priority list.

I guess it is going to take a while before I start sleeping again. I did a little better last night, but not great. I tried to take a nap in the afternoon, but the moment I sat myself in the chair, I started playing Kali Cat’s last few minutes thru my head. This is something that happens the moment I try to be still, over and over and over. It happened so fast, and I hope she knew I was with her and was some comfort to her. I couldn’t not be there, but it is still something I wish I hadn’t had to do. That is going to take me a while to process. I still have tapes of Jake and some of his last moments that play in my head on a regular basis, and it has been five plus years. Those have been all brought back by this too. Along with the similarities of being a caregiver to both of them. Not something I am anxious to do again. I’m not built for it. I hope if I ever have another relationship of any kind, that I am the one that goes first. I just don’t think I could survive another loss.

I am eating. I wish I were one of those people that lost their appetite when they were upset, but I’m not. Not eating as well as I should be, but am eating. It will be a long time before I will be able to eat chicken or tuna tho. When all else failed, that is what I gave Kali Cat. She had chicken her last day as a special treat, and threw it up in the carrier on the way to the vet. I can still smell it. Tuna was how she got her meds until she stopped eating it, and I always, always gave her the tuna juice when I opened a can. On the plus side, if you can call it that, I have a lot fewer dishes, very little recycling, and the trash won’t have to be dealt with as often. No more cat food in the garbage, or dirty cat littler. Less vacuuming too. But I would gladly continue dealing with all of that to keep her a little longer. I thought we would have more time.

I do have a few things I can do today. I have the water lines to do, and now that i have the shade cloth for the back, I can figure out how that is going to go up. That should keep me busy for a little while. I have a whole list of things to do. Some of the things have been on there for a while, like organizing the shed. It will all get done, new things will be added to the list. 

We have had gusty winds for a couple of days, it brought in some cooler temps. I’m going to try to make the most of it. We have some huge temperature fluctuations here. It was 99 degrees on Tuesday, I don’t think we made it out of the 70’s yesterday and is in the lower 50’s right now. At least being in the park model the wind doesn’t stress me like it did in Ody. It is annoying, but definitely less stressful.

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